Summer 2010

My idea of defying the heat.........nature at its best. Captured some of them in my Canon !

New Year Eve Musings

“ Old order changeth, yielding place to the new ”… Another New Year is here… How are we going to celebrate it ?

For most ,it is party time,late nights and stuff like that. I love the smell of celebrations in the air although I am well past the partying age.

I still love the new calendars (those with colourful pictures !) even if they are out of fashion now. And I miss the excitement of opening New Year cards . I mean the actual cards , not the ecards. Last year A sent me one card and I almost fainted with disbelief.

New Year resolutions do not interest me anymore ,but let me confess, New Years do have a sobering effect on me. How long the ‘sobering’ lasts is a different matter all together ! Right now I am taking a little time off - to pause, to take a breath, to look back and re-adjust my ways of thinking and perceiving.

Life in Kerala has been a roller-coaster ride. Had it not been so, the Arien in me would have been hopping mad by now. Heard about the ‘boiled frog syndrome ?’. My family has chewed up all their nails worrying about my next move. They need not worry. The comfort zone is far far away.There has not been a dull moment in 2009-it has been a mix of ups and downs . More downs than ups, I would say . But a die-hard optimist, here am I looking forward to a better year ahead with the hope that :

Perhaps I will be a bit wiser to handle the maids
A bit richer to afford a few onions
A little braver to face the unexpected hartals
A little patient while crossing roads so as to live a little longer
A little more daring so as to enjoy the bumpy drives
A little more trusting in the Divine
When this land is called God’s Own Country !

&

More than anything else
I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.
HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Revisiting Delhi

As the car moved through the crowded roads I realized how much the city has changed since I left it 3 years ago. All I could see were mounts and mounts of soil all around as the roads were being dug up preparing for the Commonwealth Games and/or for the ever expanding Metro network . The weather was pleasant. As we reached the gates of the colony I peeped out of the car window scanning the faces of passers by. No familiar face. Everything has changed. The daughters have been married off and the girls who have become part of the colony wouldn’t know me. I sat back feeling a bit lost.

As I climbed up the familiar steps one face that floated into my mind was that of P. It was exactly 5 years ago on this day that I saw her lying on her bed- quiet, motionless and at last peaceful . I glanced at her kitchen window. I could see her aged mother-in-law working there in the same old fashion. Memories filled me with mixed feelings of loss and relief. Loss because I shall not have her around to continue enriching my life. And relief because during her last days she had been suffering so much that seemed to be pushing her towards the end at a cruelly slow pace. But one thing I surely know that she is now resting with the angels above.

A welcomed me with a warm tight hug and it brought to my mind pictures of her coming to this house as an excited bride to start a life which she had been dreaming of for quite some time. The bright smile on her face assured me that her dreams are still not squashed.

I looked around the house. A has redesigned it so beautifully with that special touch of hers. Everything looked colourful and inviting. This house once so familiar, now appeared like a missing piece from a jig-saw puzzle! Curiously my fingers found the light switches effortlessly . Strange indeed is the way the brain takes a snapshot that never alters !

I could hardly sleep the night . I was itching for morning to come so that I could walk through the Lake Park and see those old familiar sights.Selfishly, you expect everything to be the same as it was how you left it despite you moving on. But this cold November morning I realized poignantly that no place on earth stands still in the face of time. I stood for a while staring down at the still waters in the lake below feeling warm and cosy with my memories.

Back home there were phone calls awaiting me from old friends , much to the ‘annoyance’ of A. “Now you are lost for us’, she said pouting. Giving her a quick peck I ran to pick up the phone and started dialing the numbers which I knew almost by-heart. We fixed up ‘dates’ to meet either over a cup of tea or for lunch, laughingly adding that it is going to be a grand-mothers’ day out …ha, ha….

But as I started dressing up I felt a bit unsure .., unsure of meeting my old friends. Will they be the same ? Will there still be the same sense of belonging ? Will we be able to pick up the threads from where we had left off … ? My thoughts were running wild. And I felt nervous.

Then came a quiet admonition from within “Isn’t it foolish to seek permanence in an impermanent world ?” And I remembered Budha’s last warning to his disciple "Impermanent, subject to change, are component things. Strive on with heedfulness!" Peace engulfed me and I walked towards the door determined to shelve my old memories and willing to form new ones…

Conversations With Shivenderji- Part 2

· Question :How to develop objectivity ?

Answer :There are several points you can keep in your mind. I can give you one or two. I do not know which one will inspire you. You can also think something of your own .Whenever you are overwhelmed with either happiness or sorrow , ask yourself if the same thing is happening to your neighbour/friend what will be your attitude ? You may be happy or sad as the case may be when it is your neighbour. But you will not lose your balance. When it comes to others we are all philosophers !
Another method is to understand our own relative insignificance in this whole universe. How big is this Solar system ? In that how big is our earth ? In that how big is India ? How big the city in which we live ? And the colony in which we live ? In the total pattern we are very insignificant. We should not give ‘ black market value ’ to ourselves .

· Question :How can I be happy ?

Answer :To be totally happy you have to be self-realized. But on a relative level the less selfish you are the happier you will be.

· Question :What is the cause of our unhappiness ?

Answer :The main cause is that we love to be unhappy. We love to crib. We are not unhappy because children around the world are dying of hunger or malnutrition. We are not unhappy because most people do not have even the basic amenities of life. We are unhappy because someone has not said ‘good morning’ to us or someone didn’t remember our birthday etc etc. We have forgotten to be grateful. How many of us say a ‘thank you’ prayer before our meals ? We take everything for granted. The food we get, our ability to eat and digest that food. You know for the simple act of drinking a glass of water, how many people have put in the effort, not to speak of the coordination of muscles, bones and nerves in our body ? If one nerve decides not to cooperate…. I can go on like this. If someone says he/she is a ‘self-made’ man/woman, it is a lie. There are numerous elements that help and support us. Only thing is we are not even aware of it. We do not realize how fortunate we are. In short, if we have an attitude of gratitude, we will never be unhappy.

· Question :What is detachment ?

Answer :Have you traveled long distances by train ? I have traveled from Delhi to Trivandrum. It is very interesting to observe our co-passengers. When they get-in the train ,they are in a hurry to occupy their seats, arrange the luggage and see that nobody else has occupied even a little of their space. And every time a new passenger gets in they look worried if they have to share some space with the new entrant. This goes on for the first two days. On the third day ,after breakfast everyone is relaxed. They are all packed and ready to get down. Because they know their destination is about to come. Now they are fearless and are even willing to share the seats with others .The knowledge that they are about to get down gives them a sense of detachment . They have no more use of their seats. Like-wise if we are prepared to ‘get down’ at our ‘destination’ we will be detached and relaxed. No matter what our age is. Our ‘destination’ is sure to come and we have to get down there. When and how ,we do not know. But it will come for sure. Live with this awareness and you will not feel unduly attached to anything or anyone.

· Question :How should one live in this world ?

Answer :Like an actor. Whatever happens to the character does not affect the actor. But his aim is to put in his best performance and get the applause of the audience.

· Question : Why do bad people prosper in this world ?

Answer : First of all there is nothing bad or good. Everything is relative. Now to answer your question, people can be divided into four groups. Aggressive good, aggressive bad, passive good and passive bad. In order to be successful or to achieve what we want we should be aggressively good. Yudhishtira represents passive goodness and Duryodhana aggressive bad. So Duryodhana is able to defeat the Pandavas at every step. Sri Krishna represents aggressive goodness and only with His help the Pandavas were able to win the Kurukshetra war. So if we are not aggressive or at least assertive ,no matter how good we are we will not be successful.

The Gift of Anger

“Ever been frustrated or angry?

No one has ever escaped that. Once you learn to look at the deeper source of anger suddenly it becomes a gift – an opportunity for greater awareness and growth.

Here’s how.

As long as something works for us, we do not feel this discomfort. As long as we feel that the person (or group or organization or system) we are engaged with gives us something valuable in exchange of the energy that we invest, it all works well. It is an even energy exchange. The problem begins when we start to feel that the exchange is not fair. Somehow we are not receiving what we deserve. We are being taken for granted. We are not being given our rightful value by someone else.

It somehow feels that the other wields the power and we have none. Hence, frustration, anger, resentment and what have you.

There is a whole different side to this story that we completely miss – the energy interpretation, the spiritual side. When this happens it is our inner spirit whispering to us “you can do better than that; you deserve better than that……..”

Click on to www.theenergythatisyou.com and see for yourself ( post dated Aug.3^rd 2009) as to how a so called negative emotion like anger is transformed into a total spiritual experience. At the end of it you will bless me, I am sure.

When I pressed the panic button !

Some virus found it interesting to invade my body and decided to stay put there for more days than necessary. By the end of the first week I started feeling jittery and started imagining the worst. My husband has also been sick for the last six months due to UTI and enlarged prostate. We had no business to fall ill like this, I thought. Certainly something is wrong somewhere. Someone told me my ‘seven and a half shani ‘ has just started and it is showing its powers. I went to the temple to do some puja to ward off the evils of shani. When I told the priest he laughed and said “ You see the shani has to be somewhere ,no ?” But he agreed to do the puja. What kind of a priest is this ? Yet another ‘well-wisher’ told me that it is all due to the Chinese flowers that are standing in a corner of my drawing room which is causing all these troubles. But she also gave me a remedy- put some tulsi leaves on them and the negative energy will go away. I did accordingly.

I wanted to discuss these things with my husband. He simply brushed me aside saying “ These are all old-age problems. We are not getting any younger .” Having got drenched in that bucket of cold water I told my mother about my fears. She was genuinely upset and straight away went to her puja-room and threatened her gods of dire consequences if I am not cured soon. It was some consolation. Then I called-up my elder brother and told him the details of my problems and half jokingly added that he should take care of my cremation etc in case the worst happened. His sense-of-humour had gone on a holiday. In all seriousness he said “ Of course, I will. But you will be alright soon “ I could hear my sister-in-law giggling in the background. I felt like a ball pelted up in the air which came back with a thud.

My younger brother was at home and so I decided to pour out my heart to him. He heard me out with a dead-pan. When I finished , he said in a slow and grave tone “ You take care “. I was so touched and my eyes almost filled up with tears, when I heard him say “ Isn’t that one is supposed to say ?”

I stamped out of the room. I called up my elder sister who is a walking medical encyclopedia ,having gone through a lot in her life. She heard me quietly and in the end told me ever so affectionately “It is only UTI. You cannot have any serious illness. I am sure. Keep me informed.. “ I was touched. Then it was my younger sister. She showed all decent signs of shock and pain. She strongly believed that it is all due to someone’s evil eye. Asked me to chant Hanuman Chaalisa ( Which I had already started.) She was almost in tears and assured me that she will pray for me. I felt lots better. Her doctor-son called me up immediately after that. He assured me it is nothing serious. A typical medico talk, I thought. Will he ever tell me that I am slowly dying ?

My son and daughter-in-law called up from Delhi. My son asked me what is wrong ? I told him I have lost some weight. “Good, you can get back into your jeans now “. (Since when has he developed such weird sense of humour ?.)” But seriously, the doc said may be he has to put me on steroid “Good ,mom. May be you can participate in senior Olympics “. My daughter-in-law must have felt that it is getting out of hand. So she snatched the phone from him and consoled me “ Mom you will be alright. You just have to be positive. Visualise yourself to be completely alright, mom.This is nothing serious “

Immediately afterwards her doctor-mother called and asked me to read out my medical reports to her. After a detailed discussion she assured me that it is nothing but UTI. I started feeling better.

In the evening my son and daughter-in-law from the US called up. It was their usual Sunday phone call. Moreover they didn’t know that I was ill for some time. So my daughter-in-law was a little taken aback and probably didn’t know how to react. She tried to console me and gave the phone to my son. “ What is up, mom ?”

“ I am being treated for UTI and if it doesn’t work out, may the doc.will….”

Before I could finish, he started laughing “ What, are you in competition with dad ? I thought he had UTI. Now don’t tell me you have enlarged prostate also…” I wanted to scream while he continued “ You never know. Women want equality in everything………..”

I gave up !

Parenting A Parent

Parents came with a life time guarantee – they don’t age, or fall sick or become infirm and die. Those things happen to other mortals. Or so I used to think. Until one day my illusions broke down when during one of my annual visits I saw my father bent , shriveled and shaking with Parkinson’s. My father who was one of the smartest men I had known, with a joyful grin always on his face, who walked around in his characteristic long strides ! Death came to him as a blessing in more ways than one. Slowly I realized that my parents are also mortals and one day death will certainly take them away. All the ads purporting to show us that popping this pill will alleviate all age-related problems while this financial plan will take us into a safe and secure old age are only selling false hopes of mobility and freedom against the certainty of bodily decay. I realized there is no such thing as’ walking into our silver haired twilights’.

Armed with this new-found wisdom I came ‘home’ to live with my mother after a gap of 40 odd years. But nothing had prepared me for this total reversal of roles-that of parenting a parent who had lived almost all her life on her terms. There was this neat package of surprises waiting for me to unravel- a package which offered less comforts but more challenges.

The strength, which formed the foundation of the days to come is the unfathomable love that a child feels for the mother. No matter how much you have fought, argued ,had disagreements . This relationship defies all reason and logic.

It also gave me an opportunity to re-bond with my siblings and their families. Worried as they were about our mother’s health and other related issues they used to feel the full weight of distance, as I used to, worrying if mother will be alive on their next holiday . We cope by remote control by telephone, depend on relatives, hope the servants are honest enough. Juggling so many balls in the air-career, family, health, friends- we were all living a guilt –ridden life. But now that I have assumed the role of the front line soldier’ they heaved a sigh of relief and were too happy to extend all support in whatever form possible-physical, financial and not to speak of emotional. It became a team work, a joint effort which made things rather smooth for me. I also had to ensure the support of my own family-my husband and children. Because unless they share my enthusiasm and are able to see the shining star at the distant horizon, it would not have been easy for me. My husband was ,of course ,game for anything . My children were quite amused at this new ‘avataar’ of their mother, from a jet-setting executive to a domesticated woman. “So what did you do today, other than cooking and eating ?” A would often poke me .

I mentioned about the challenges earlier ? Having lived apart for 40 odd years both myself and my mother grew much apart . We are living in two worlds under the same roof, like an apple and orange sitting in one basket.. Talk of the generation gap (cliché,cliché ) ! Mother hates mobile phones and computers .Only time she gives a half nod of approval to the computer is when her great grand children come on the web-cam. My favourite TV programmes are anathema for her .”Oh, these North Indian women are so loud and argumentative.”. ( Burkha Dutt,please make a note !). Having lived in a city where relationships are mostly impersonal , I have become a very private person and I jealously guard my personal space . In this small town everyone wants to know everything about everyone. Added to this is my mother’s exuberance which attracts a large circle of friends . I could not relate to them. Mother cannot understand my mood swings or long spells of silence. The only place where peace prevails is the dining room. I love cooking and she loves eating.

The growing geriatric society in Kerala is facing an extreme short supply of the geriatric health-care workers . This is one thing I was not prepared for. Added to it is also our own aging and health related issues. There are times when my energy oozes out completely . At such vulnerable moments some bad childhood memories and resentments crop up in the mind . At such times it is critical how easily one can absorb things. You mellow and become more accepting . And that is how my angularities have smoothened now to a large extend. Because we have to understand that aging involves untold sadness and indignity. Old age is almost always a time of physical and mental deterioration, of pain and loss, of fear and loneliness.

When I watch mother sleep under her favourite red blanket, I recall the psalmist’s cries ,” "Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone." I drop a kiss on her forhead and then I am at peace with myself .